1. |
Manic Pixie Dream Hurl
01:55
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And I’m hiding under my covers, talking to my mother on the phone. Trying to calm down, I wish I was better at being alone. Constantly cleaning up the messes I make. Everybody has it so figured out, I guess I’m coming in late. But it’s just the way it goes, I’m trying to figure out the things everybody else already knows. And if I closed my eyes will I die? Will the sun explode, the world implode, because I closed my eyes? And if I wait another hour and if I were to just take a shower, do you think that I would feel any better?
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2. |
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Anxiety is killing me, I don’t know what to think. Refuse to eat, my body’s weak. I haven’t been sleeping. These thoughts running through my head keep me awake in my bed. Makes my nights long, I’ll turn the scary thoughts into a song. I tell myself I’m gonna die alone, I tell myself I don't have anyone. I tell myself that I don’t matter much, won’t ever accomplish the things I love.
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3. |
Ten Dollar Latte
01:51
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Falling asleep in Bee’s spare room unsure if I should just text you, or if you’re having the same thoughts as I am. I haven't slept very much since I spoke with you and I haven't thought about much except you. I guess I’d just like a minute to catch my breath. But my brain has a way of obsessing and my thoughts have a way of circling, and right now everything is revolving around you. And I count each minute between our texts, I don’t want you to think that I’m too obsessed, I just fall so hard and it kills me every time. But it’s alright if you don’t feel the same, I don’t want you to feel like you have to. But oh my god my heart hurts when you say my name. And I know this song won’t amount to much, I just need something to keep me in touch with the ground I'm standing on so I don’t fly away.
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4. |
Menthol Flavored Oatmeal
02:16
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Been sleeping 3 hours a night, I can’t keep this up. My mom asks how much I’m eating, I tell her enough. Growing up didn’t seem so hard now I realize it’s rough. Stress eating my stomach lining, I can’t keep this up. And I want to go back to being 10. Felt safe with covers up, over my head. Anything beats being 20. I just feel so alone, everything is so scary. Been working 10 hours a day, I hate my job. It doesn't matter how much I work, it's never enough. Can’t afford to go to school, what the fuck do I do. This growing older thing used to seem so cool.
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5. |
Bees?
02:31
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Spent about 3 hours today thinking about how it'd feel to still be wrapped up in your sheets the way I was last week. Are you aware of the appeal? I have a tendency to fall too hard, overthinking simple things only hurts my heart. But the way your smile hits me, I'm prepared to let you break my heart. Why do I care so much about things that shouldn't matter? Am I running through your mind the way you’re constantly running through mine or am I someone you could see yourself with? And when you’re sleeping next to me, are you feeling things that you don’t want to be? Does this scare you as much as it scares me?
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6. |
Slow Ghost
03:22
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And I slept for days waiting for a change, waiting for things to feel different. Maybe I’m looking to get hurt, maybe I’ll find it in your words. Little phrases being mixed between what comes last and what comes first. I know you didn’t mean to get tangled up in me. I’m easy to fall into, I’m easy to fall out of. I’ll spend the rest of autumn laying around my room. Probably still talking to you, what else do I have to do? I may just be pushing for permanence, I have a history of not letting go. You've got me questioning the point of all of this, please let me let you go.
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7. |
Follow Unfollow
04:42
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Biting my fingernails, grinding my teeth. All the things I do when I’m nervous without realizing. And you called me out on all these little habits that I don’t think that much about. And it’s hard to sleep knowing that you hate me. I never thought I’d find someone like you. I never thought that you'd want me too. I spent so many nights laying awake. Thinking about all the time you waste on me. You’d tell me I’m crazy and laugh. I was right. And I fucked it up all at once. It was actually pretty impressive how bad I fucked this up. You left for college and I sold my soul to stay here, work in coffee shops for a year. And my constant need for chaos will surely be the death of me. I can’t hold on to anything, I can’t hold on to anyone. Oh I know it’s all my fault, I’m my own worst enemy.
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8. |
Waves
02:28
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Spilling stomach contents on the sidewalk and I feel dumb for believing that this was just a talk. I cried the whole way home, laid in my bed and stared at my phone. Couldn’t stop thinking back to that night. We were swimming through pools of light. You were pushing my head under the water always pushing things to go farther. So I spent today bleaching my hair. It’s not like I had plans to go anywhere. And I felt the need to prove to myself that I could change. I’ve been standing in still water, and I just need to feel the waves.
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9. |
Crocodile Tears
02:41
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Crocodile tears every time I cry. Make me out to be the bad guy. Let’s set things straight, your heart was never mine. And I watched that movie about a hundred times, found a million different meanings in every line. What were you trying to tell me? What could I not get right? How could I be so blind to something right in my sight. Romanticizing every gesture you’d make. You gave me butterflies, or is this a stomach ache? I just wanted to matter to you that’s why I do the things I do.
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10. |
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I'll be the spider in your shower, a constant reminder of what you once knew. A reminder of the old you. And I’ll hide in your head, in your sheets, I’ll hide in your bed. And I’ll wrap my arms around you slowly suffocate you. You can try to hide this feeling all you want but I’ll be here when you think I’m gone. 6 months since you looked back I’ve been here stuck to your back. Sitting in your car with your heat on high. Do you feel alright? I can feel you trying to hide from what once kept you alive. You can try to hide this feeling all you want but I’ll be here when you think I’m gone.
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11. |
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And I don't want to go outside, I want to stay inside my room and do nothing all day. And I don’t want to go to school, I want to lay around my apartment and get high. And all the things I need to do are flying around my head. But all I can bring myself to do is stay in bed. Call it laziness or bad mental health, either way I'm calling in sick. It's a self-destructive habit but I’ll bite, give in to it. And I have such a hard time doing things that I need to do. I’d rather waste my time watching old cartoons. Maybe I’m scared of fucking up so I do nothing instead. Maybe it’s easier to waste away in the comfort of my own bed.
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12. |
Backpack Life
02:15
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And I’m speeding over shopping malls, past Ace Hardware signs. Wondering what would happen if I died and if I did, who would come to my funeral? Past part time lovers feeling sorry for my shell? And if they showed I wonder what they’d see. A mannequin that looks like me? I'm so goddamn concerned with my legacy, afraid to be forgotten, disappeared reality. And I’ve barely been back home this month, I’m running from my real life and I hardly give a fuck. Because home is my friend’s couches and I’ve gotten good at surfing, this is my backpack life sonata. God I hope someone is listening. And I am so afraid of the future. And I don’t want to face it yet. So I will keep on driving, I’ll keep wearing dirty clothes, I’ll sleep on living room sofas, a life free from repose. And I know my mom is worried, and with probably good cause. This is the backpack life sonata, I’m too far in to take a pause.
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Count Your Lucky Stars Records Williamston, Michigan
Count Your Lucky Stars is a little label with a lot of love!
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